My Vagina. My Orgasm. My Imagination

This monotype is part of a series of self portraits about my own process of self exploration around my body and my sexuality. I grew up in a Latinx immigrant family that only talked about sex through negative and pain-oriented narratives, such as “close your legs” and “don’t get pregnant.” Sex was overwhelmingly presented through a disempowering lens, and as a result, I grew up without tools to negotiate my own desires and have sexual agency. I grew up feeling shame around my body and my sexual fantasies, and I didn’t know where to access tools and information about my desires. However, that did not stop me. The first time I lost my virginity as a young teen was among the best days in my life, and it was the first time I experienced an orgasm.

Despite the repression of sexual conversations and the mega saturation of male-centric sexual desires in the culture around me, I was able to find my way as a turned-on teenager who yearned human touch. I learned through experimentation done in secret, often with partners who lacked experience and who often acted out their own internalized oppressions. Despite all the mediocre experiences, I kept trying to find what I liked and I eventually did. I was able to understand and embrace the best conditions for me to have an orgasm and I learned the language to communicate my desires, and to find my sex positive community.

In my 30’s when I created this piece, I more clearly understood the power of knowing my own body, knowing what I enjoyed, and how to experience pleasure. I began to learn more about my vagina, my clitoris, and became connected to a community of feminist sexual teachers and pleasure activists. After coming out about my abortion in 2012, I realized that the real work was to promote a culture of sex positivity and self love, especially from my perspective as a queer woman of color.

As a society, we cannot continue to keep conversations about sex in the dark - because that perpetuates a culture of isolation, abuse, and ignorance, and it has a significant impact on young people. It is the human right of every person to have access to tools to make informed decisions about their bodies and how they want to be touched.